Lies, Shame, and Fears

Tonight we had one of the most amazing and powerful dorm meetings that I think I've ever attended. We talked about the lies that we believe as well as the fear and shame that we feel, and how it is effecting us. The meeting opened up with a slideshow of lies, fear, and shame that the RA team came up with and it was powerful to see the things that they have been feeling in their lives and how some of it was the exact same feelings that I was having. Next the RAs shared deeper snippets of their lives and some of the things that they were dealing with, another incredibly powerful aspect of this meeting. Probably the most powerful part of it, and the one that touched me the most, was the time of reflection which followed, where we were asked to write down the lies that we believe and our shame and fears. 

Entering into the time of refection, I was surprised with myself. Knowing the topic of the meeting beforehand, I was trying to think of the lies and shame and fears that I had, earlier in the day. But came away thinking that none of these things had a stronghold in my life. I found myself completely wrong tonight as I asked God to help me to examine these areas in my life, and I came away tonight with a laundry list of lies, fears, and shame.

We all have lies that we believe, shame that we have, and fear in our lives. And for some of us, it is a stronghold that Satan is using to bring us down. I looked into my life and realized there is a whole lot of deception there that I need to take care of. We need to realize the truths that are in our lives, God's truths! But in order to do that, we need to detect the lies first. I wrote down a list of the lies, shame, and fear that I feel, and I want to share it, first because locating these things in my life is a step to finding the truths, and second because sharing is power for me, power for conquering those lies and my honesty and openness is a ministry to myself. So here they are:

The lies that I believe:

• I am a failure because I can never say the right things
• Everyone here at Corban are better Christians than me
• I am ugly because of my hair
• I am not a good enough girlfriend
• People are judging me because I've been dating for 3 months and already am sure than I love and want to marry my boyfriend
• Because it's only been 3 months, I can't possibly truly love my boyfriend as much as I say I do
• I am more immature than all of my friends
• I am uglier than all of my friends
• I am not worth the love and grace that God and my friends give me
• That people judge me and don't believe me when I tell them that I am sick
• I'm heartless because I don't cry or get visibly upset often
• I am a terrible Christian because I don't raise my hands during worship
• I am a terrible friend

The fears that I have:

• Because I already fantasize about my boyfriend, when we are together, I won't be able to control myself
• My boyfriend leaving me because I'm not good enough for him, don't give him what he wants, or because I annoy him
• Not being able to successfully write lesson plans
• Not being able to have a normal, natural conversation with my boyfriend when I see him, because I can't do that over the phone
• I don't care enough about people
• My future marriage ending in divorce
• Offending and annoying people and having conflicts

I am ashamed of:

• The fact that even though I felt strong conviction about my pornography and masturbation addiction, I am still struggling a lot
• I don't read my Bible enough and can't look up anything in the Bible
• That I don't feel called towards missions or helping kids in Africa
• I sometimes wish that I would get extremely sick so that people will care for me
• That I get easily bitter about my dad
• I procrastinate on my homework so much
• I have little self control
• I get annoyed with people very easily
• I can't have theological conversations with my friends because I don't know very much about what I actually believe. 

Those are just a few, and it's a longer list than I thought I would come up with. The next step to battling these lies is to find out the truths behind them. My RD and RA highly suggested that instead of letting ourselves be brought down by all that we found, and instead of wallowing in the despair that it brings, seek out God's truths and end this on a happy note. So now my next task is to do that. For the next week or however long it takes me, I am going to make an effort to find out the truths that I need to battle all of Satan's lies. I definitely would suggest that all of you run through this eye opening exercise, discover what you are really dealing with in your lives, and then find the truths that will set you free.

That's all for now! Stay tuned for the truths that I will find. :)

Love from Gabs :)